The Best Friend Contest
Tyler is a gentle kid. One of the things that I really love and respect about him is how he befriends people for their heart, not their social status.
About a month ago, while I was I standing in the hallway of Tyler's school, I noticed a bulletin board, and read it over and over again in my mind.
Suddenly, I heard Tyler's 9-year-old voice beside me. "I knew you would hate that, Mom."
We looked at the message on the board together. It shouted out:
"WHO IS OUR SCHOOL'S BEST FRIEND?!"
"It's not that I hate it, Tyler... I guess I'm just confused by it? Is it a contest to determine who in your school is the best friend?"
"Yes," Tyler answered. I think they want us to nominate our classmates who act like really good role models of friendship... but, well, you know how that goes."
I do know how that goes.
Sally feels torn between Susie and Sarah, but decided to nominate Sarah. Then, Susie tells Sally she nominated her and Sally feels upset... and a big thing starts.
-or-
All the boys pick Teddy because he plays the most sports and has the most social power in the class (even though he's indifferent or even outright mean to the vulnerable kids).
Tyler looked up at me and said, "I know I'm a really good friend, but I won't expect to get picked. The good friends don't get noticed for their good friendship, because they just kind of do the right thing, and that's hard to notice. Actually, I don't even think I'll nominate any of my friends, because I know a lot of good friends, and it's just too hard to choose. Even if they let me choose a lot- I just really can't."
I squeezed his shoulder. "You're a pretty wise kid, Ty. I know you get it, and I'm not worried at all about how this contest affects you- I guess I just worry a bit more about how this might hit the kids who are working on their social skills and aren't appreciated by their classmates."
"I know," he said solemnly. "Me too."
We left the school and didn't really talk about the Best Friend Contest again.
*****
Last night, I was working late at my desk when the phone rang. It was Tyler.
"Mom?" He said, "I won that friendship thing. They said my name and another 3rd grader's name on the announcements, and all of the kids in my class cheered and gave me high fives and stuff. I was really surprised. I know it's not a big deal, but I still felt pretty good that they noticed me."
I was absolutely floored.
Tyler really is a good friend- it's one of his best qualities- but he is pretty quiet about it. I know that he is an equal-opportunity-friender: he befriends the more vulnerable kids and has a lot of patience for kids' wobbly moments. He has a truly kind heart. I guess I just never imagined that his third grade classmates would even notice, let alone celebrate him for it.
"Wow Tyler... congratulations! You must be so proud of yourself- and that is a big deal. Your classmates noticed your heart. I'm proud of them too."
So this morning, I'm eating a little bit of crow... because when your kid wins the very contest you both wrote off as potentially damaging... it's kind of a weird feeling.
I largely underestimated the potential of third grade students to pick the kind-of-quiet kid who just really cares about his classmates. It gives me a little bit of hope.
(But I'm still not sure I love the idea of a friendship contest.)