A Secret Feelings Party
I’ve been grumpier than usual over kind-of-regular things.
My kids have been mopier about almost everything.
The parents I’ve talked to lately describe their kids as having “regressed.”
My friends send text messages about everything that is wrong in their lives.
I’ve noticed my social media newsfeed, once a curated collection of (probably inflated?) happy success, go through multiple evolutions:
“Homeschool” plans and triumphs, then, consistent, low-grade failure
Baking wins, then screw-ups
Virus fears, then denial
Quarantine support, then shaming
Political mess, then overwhelming division
Racial explosion
and finally, a persistent mid-level grief
But somehow, as we weed gardens, grill asparagus, inflate backyard pools, and set up tetherball courts, we obsess over what is wrong with our kids, and ourselves. We wonder why we just can’t shake this feeling of whatever-the-hell-it-is.
Um, can we just pause for a second?
No- seriously- pause for a second?
Think about the last three months… actually notice the last three months. Look back on these last three months.
How have you been FEELING? How have your kids been FEELING?
Too many of us will use a cheat word- like blah, ok, fine, or bad.
But when we genuinely pause to ask ourselves, our kids, and our friends, “How are you feeling?” we start to understand some of the meh behind the blah.
For the last three, months, my brain, heart, and body have been hosting this huge, secret feelings party that, somehow, I was mostly unaware of: Shocked, Afraid, Uncertain, Overwhelmed, Lonely, Angry, Restless, Anxious, Depressed, Numb, Drained, Stuck, Confused, and Tense have been consistent guests. Occasionally, Calm, Thoughtful, and Hopeful would dance through. I have been stood up multiple times by Secure.
I didn’t even know about the emotional gathering inside of me until I happened upon Dr. Marc Brackett’s new book, Permission to Feel a few weeks ago.
Dr. Brackett is the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and the lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based, systemic approach to social and emotional learning. I’ve already read the book twice and am on my third time. My copy is now full of highlight marks for ”wow” observations and post-it notes pointing to research. But my absolute favorite part of the book is a chart, described as a “Mood Meter,” printed in the front and back inside covers. It shows 4 color coded quadrants, full of feeling words, with varying levels of “energy” and “pleasantness.” It’s brilliant because it’s simple.
Our kids have all been having similar feelings parties, and if you take a quiet moment to notice, I’ll bet you have been, too.
So how is it, that even during a global pandemic and nationwide social and political upheaval, we don’t notice the emotions we are feeling? That even a full grown woman who runs a school anchored in social and emotional awareness doesn’t notice the extent of her feelings?
Because we have been subtly raised, trained, and rewarded to just minimize our emotions (the unpleasant AND the enjoyable ones) away. We avoid real feelings, because they make us uncomfortable.
Yikes. That’s kind of a problem.
So what if we decided to change things up a bit- pay a smidge more attention to our real feelings and help our kids notice theirs? What if we expanded our emotional vocabulary beyond good, stressed, busy, and tired, and helped our kids notice more than bored and mad?
As we head into a probably-quiet summer, we have the time to do this work with ourselves and our kids… are we brave enough?